Before Your Parent Dies, Part 2 (The Financial Side)

You wanted more talk about your parents kicking the bucket! And now you’re getting it.

Sorry, that was inappropriate. Insensitive. 

I should’ve said, “Gently pushing the bucket over sideways as they begin their journey to the realm of the dead.” Or… no? (The etymology of the phrase “kicking the bucket”, from what I gather, has to do with slaughtering pigs.  It’s unsavory… but… bacon.  Mmm.  Savory.)

Just trying to keep things light.

Last time around, I talked about the relational side of being as prepared as possible for your parents’ passing. It’s just part of life, and it’s coming for all of us, eventually. You don’t want regrets when your parents pass; you don’t want to say, “Why didn’t I ever tell her how much she meant to me!?” and you certainly don’t want unforgiveness or bitterness to be ANYWHERE near that event. 

Now I’d like to talk about the (even more unfeeling-sounding) practicalities around a parent’s death: preparing for the finances part.

Nearly everyone who dies leaves their children (admit it, there’s usually one child who, because of life stage or personality, takes the brunt of the responsibility) scrambling for information, or assets (We gotta save, amigos!), or a game plan. But lo! I tell ye that there is a way forward for the multigenerational-minded, so that we can deal with some stuff beforehand.

Here’s my recos, kiddos:

1. Gather basic info

In the big talk you’re going to have with your parents (see part 1), get a big fat list from them.  Just take it all down somewhere.  Either keep it in your possession, or maybe in theirs, but get allllll of this down somewhere:

2. Both of their social security numbers
3. Passwords to phones and computers
4. Driver’s license number
5. Location of birth certificate, marriage license, divorce decrees
6. Military separation papers, if any
7. Citizenship docs, if any

Does all this sound like a chore?  It IS.  Does it sound like a bit of a bummer to pump your parents for all this info?  It MAY be (although they may be HAPPY to provide it, because); whether it is or not, you AND your parents will be So Very Relieved with SOMEBODY taking responsibility for this info.  

8. Start listing accounts

This may sound truly macabre (but not for me! My family’s had this sort of thing done since I was knee high to an armadillo!), but you need to have access to your parents’ information (account numbers, passwords, locations of life insurance policies, keys or combinations to safety deposit boxes, etc. etc. etc.) while you still have access to the keepers of the info! 

My mom happens to be both highly organized (she was a career bookkeeper) as well as being very into the death conversation–as I mentioned–so she actually has a printed out list of accounts, locations of cash, bill paying schedule, etc. already laid atop a fireproof file box in my parents’ safe.  All I or my sister have to know is how to get in that safe and we’re set. 

So darn it, make a detailed list of the following, including account numbers, website, and passwords:

9. Bills: mortgages, subscriptions, or annuities paid into
10. Documentation for any insurance policies*
11. Any bank and brokerage accounts
12. Any workplace benefits websites, including pension and group life insurance 

*Get these, dangit. Over a billion dollars of unclaimed insurance benefits float around in the ether because people don’t even know the policies have been taken out.  

NOTE: I know that some parent/child relationships make this convo a little crunchy: maybe they don’t WANT you to know how much dough they have, or dad is trying to keep some piece of info a secret until after he dies.  Mmkay. Well, family secrets are a universally BAD thing, so I would say to pump them anyway.  Even if they said, “We’ll put all that info into a safe, and you can’t look in that safe until we die,” you’d still be better prepared than with them doing nothing. Or if they said “I’ll give you my passport and driver’s license number, but not my bank account logins…” Fair enough. So, you know, navigate all this according to what your relationships can handle.

13. Assemble the team roster

You don’t need to contact all these people today… but you will, someday. Better to know who to talk to beforehand.  Get their contact info all in one place (and if you’ve never seen people scrambling through desk drawers, work filing cabinets, safety deposit boxes, mom’s “kitchen cabinet where she keeps that coffee can that has 3×5 cards with all pertinent information hidden”… then you don’t know how helpful this kind of forethought can be.  Gather info on:

14. Attorneys where a will/trust is registered
15. Family CPA
16. Insurance agents (sometimes these are family friends and know your parent.  If so, that person is waaaaaay better to talk to than whoever picks up the 1-800 phone line to the gigantic insurance company.)… and finally
17. Financial Planner

Now this one, I’m gonna give some time to.  And I’m going to give an unblushing advertisement here, as well, so…  

There are many kinds of financial planner.  The least helpful is the kind that goes “yes, your father Bob has an investment account here.  Let me see the estate will and I’ll get it processed.” We can’t stand that guy.  Not because he’s not a good guy (okay… most likely, he’s an amoral parasite, if you know your way around that biz), but because that’s all he’s used to doing: pushing money around.

But there’s another kind of Financial Planner, too: someone who helps PLAN YOUR FINANCES. This (far more helpful!) firm is intimately aware of your family’s vision and values, and is invested in the WHOLE PICTURE of how your family’s assets combine around that vision.  They oversee your family’s:

• Goals
• Spending budget
• Educational goals
• Insurance allocation
• Legacy/estate interests, including trusts
• Family business strategy, including reinvestment vs. distributions, etc.
• Debt management
• Savings trajectory
• Retirement goals and budgeting
• Benefits from employers (or the benefits you provide as an owner)
• Tax management, so as to minimize your exposure, and not leastly
• Generosity, ensuring that your giving is an expression of your family’s God-given design and imprint

Have you EVER seen a family with a planning partner like this? I have. This kind of holistic approach to financial management comes to the fore in times of grief (“asset transition” if you’ll allow the callous term), and I’m proud that this describes the kind of care that Outpost Advisors gives its clients. (Admission: I’m a principal of that firm.)  Outpost has published a step-by-step booklet for people grieving loved ones, that helps cover all the bases listed above (and more), which we provide clients (and okay, they’ll give you one too.  Just ask.) some much-needed hand holding during an awfully difficult time. Why am I taking this odd occasion to hype this outfit? (“You couldn’t come up with a better time to pimp your business than when talking about my parent’s FUTURE DEATH, you tacky thing, you?! I mean, right in the middle of me imagining my future GRIEF!?”) 

…only because those moments are when your advisor’s skill, grasp of your overall picture, and understanding of family goals really comes to the fore.  And they either rise to the occasion and shine… or they fail you miserably.  PERHAPS making sure your family has a high quality planner is also one of the things you can do while your parents are still alive… (perhaps! …but I do have enough propriety to NOT make Outpost’s vision its own bullet point.  I mean, come on… gimme a little credit, here.)

The point of all this is that losing a parent is an awfully heady time… but it needn’t be SO difficult! The grief of death is bad enough on its own, without the hairiness of looking for insurance docs and phone numbers and passwords in cupboards.  Yuck. 

Look: this may all sound So Very Strange to you if you haven’t gone through death yet. But believe me, friends, scrounging around looking for mom’s login to her mortgage statement, or dad’s password for his savings account is no fun when they’re already out of the picture.  (This problem is often exacerbated when the parent who passes first is the one who keeps financial records for the family, and pays the bills.  Then the survivor is grappling with being provided for, having to learn new organization skills, and going nuts just to find out what all’s there…) Do the whole FAMILY a big favor:

Gather basic info on your parents now, Get a list of accounts, and Assemble the team roster.

Get prepared guys, and do some homework. For your emotional health’s sake, and for your parents’ sake, and for your children’s sake. Have your parents’ (unavoidable!) deaths organized beforehand in such a way that, when you find yourself grieving them, you have the time and space to do just that.

Bless you as you consider all these things.